I carried this lump of questions for another two weeks. If my flesh and bones stored cancer cells how would this effect my family, my energy, our finances, my soul? What would the end result be? Remission? Mastectomy? Death? The image included screams scars of battle wounds not against raging enemies but against an enemy within our very own flesh and blood. An enemy which entered with Adam & Eve. The fading of health melting in the dark watercolors of The Fall. They are painted in all of our stories.
Probing, poking, pulling. My biopsy was taken, placed in a small jar of liquid and sent somewhere important.
He knew my cries, my woes, my worries before I even held them up and He knows yours. "Before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear." Isa. 65:24
I surprised myself with my response. Knowing I couldn't put it past Him, that He in fact could choose this type of trial for me. I said to Him, "Alright God, if its cancer, then Let's Do This!"
Never had I taken from Him so openly a trial. Never had I been so willing to walk in pain, fear, and the exhaustion of deaths valley we know all too well. His grace knows no bound.
The very day I would receive a call of my results my little Jonah of four years speaks to the depths of my woe. He says early that morning, "Mommy, God's eyes are on the world." Indeed they are.
Hours later I was told not one single cell of cancer was found. My lump was benign and would always stay benign! Many said, "Praise God, He answered! God kept you safe! He is so good and He heard our cries." All of those words were absolutely true. But IF those words were true for me they must ALSO be true for you, my friend, who does in fact carry cancer. You, who fights daily against flesh and blood. Who is ruthlessly striving to trust the I AM within the seconds, minutes, days and years ahead. You, who know the scar-wounds deeper than any other. You, who know Him in a way, we without cancer, never will. For His scars are deep too. I say to YOU, praise God!
The One who carries all scars, His answer to you is the very same. I love YOU, I see YOU, My eye is on YOU and I... yes I, keep you safe. Battle on solider, you are loved.
"We have the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves" 2 Cor. 1:9
Jonah's drawing of God's Glory above
Jackson's drawing of God's Eyes on the World
I must also share this thought which dipped into my soul, it was, "Well, it wouldn't be so terrible to get new ones!" If you've nursed or carried children you know why this thought passed. Even it, is fallen, frail and fractured for I have researched breast cancer images like the one above and the one below and I am convicted that they carry more beauty than any perfect replacement of plastic surgery.
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