God's grace breaks into our lives against our will. - Tim Keller
Suit 200 labels the glass door holding questions that were clear just four weeks ago but are now muffled in the unknown of a cluster of new lumps. This time it's round, firm, and with no pain. These lumps did not show up on the mammogram just four weeks ago. Why? Could it be growing this rapidly?
In the same warm white robe I wait for the Dr. To call me in for another probe, knife and needle. Tissue will be sent off and I will wait, another long, hopeful, agonizing wait.
"Whisper, I trust you Jesus", my sister says.
I utter those three words and know I do not breath these enough. Why in the 'big' scares do I so desperately need this whisper yet in the daily rut of life I leave it on the ground. And God's grace breaks in against my will. Yes, I can say this biopsy is His grace, literally cutting in and my soul changes.
Benign once again, I breathe deep.
The nurse tells me, I sure am a lucky one. I know luck has nothing to do with me, that every part of me is to do with Christ and his breaking in me. And I thought I saw my sister today, my sister who is no longer here. It is she I can still mistake to see and He breaks in again. My knees hurt when I run, He breaks. I know how many an orphan need a home, and we pray about adoption, and He intrudes again. I already have to teach my boys how to "bounce" their eyes . To look away from skin on magazines, billboards and I cry out for purity and He must do it, so He breaks grace in once more. Over and over His grace is breaking, begging us to bend, to change and to hope bountiful.
We are on the wait list at school and I am rejected from a job position I interviewed with and I am tired. I am tired so often and I wish I had the bottled energy that explodes like my boys. There is the continuance of breaking. I am seeing that the more I try to keep this grace away from me, this grace which kisses pain, I cause more ache than necessary. So I think I am learning to take it. Hold it. Let it be and therefore I see a type of 'free' that is new and I like it.
Gratefully,
Emily W. Murphy
linked with http://www.emilywierenga.com
And this is the stuff of life, is it not? These wispy moments that slip away in joy or sorrow? I'm grateful for the good results, sorry for the loss you carry with you. So grateful that Love has a name.
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